


There’s A Lot Of Tears You Don’t Cry

by alianovnashields



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Post-Endgame, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:00:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27028483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alianovnashields/pseuds/alianovnashields
Summary: The Winter Soldier didn’t cry. Which meant Bucky Barnes had a lot of tears saved up. So he cried. He cried until his throat was raw and his stomach was sick.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	There’s A Lot Of Tears You Don’t Cry

“I need to tell you something Bucky,”

Steve took his hands and pulled him down onto his bed. Bucky smiled and squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“You can tell me. You know that,”

“I know I just... I’m gonna come out and say it,” he sighed and looked down at his hands. “I wanna go see Peggy. With the pym particles I can do it and... I want to,”

Bucky dropped his hands and stared at him in disbelief. “You’re... Steve what do you mean?”

“I have to do this Bucky,” he said, still not looking at him.

“No look and in the eyes, Steve, and tell me you’re gonna throw this, throw me, away,”

“You have to understand-“

“No! Steve I’m not gonna understand because there’s nothing I can understand,”

Steve grabbed his arm and leant his forehead against it. “Please, Bucky just be happy for me,”

“I can’t,” he murmured, pulling his arm away and choking back tears. “Can you go now? Please?”

Steve sighed and nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be in um I’ll be somewhere else if you need me,”

“Just go,”

As soon as the door clicked shut, Bucky curled into a ball on the bed, holding Steve’s pillow close to his chest. The Winter Soldier didn’t cry. Which meant Bucky Barnes had a lot of tears saved up. So he cried. He cried until his throat was raw and his stomach was sick. 

He cried for Tony who’s funeral was in the morning and he never got to apologise to who. And he cried for Natasha who died alone on a cold foreign planet and wasn’t even getting a funeral. 

But mostly he cried because Steve, his lifeline, the only thing connecting him to who he once was and the man who he’ll never stop loving, was leaving him.

It was his fault really, for ignoring the signs. What the museum said about Peggy being Captain America’s one great love must have been partially true. And the kiss with Sharon must’ve meant something. Really, ever since he’d fallen off that dammed train, Steve had forgotten about him.

He wasn’t sure if he slept at all but early the next day Sam pushed his door open and pulled back the curtains, flooding the room with light.

“Come on metal man, time to get going,”

“What do you want?”

“For you to get dressed for the funeral. Steve sent me to collect you,” 

Bucky poked his head out of his blanket cocoon he’d made and fixed Sam with a glare that was likely made less effective by his red and watery eyes. 

“Tony wouldn’t want me there,”

Sam sighed in what sounded like exasperation and sat beside him. “Yes he would. Barnes he died for you—“

“—For Peter,”

“No, he did it for all of us okay? And he’d want you there. And I think Steve... I think he needs you there,”

“Steve doesn’t need me,”

“What? Barnes he became a fugitive for you, he made me a fugitive for you, and he’s already lost Natasha. He needs you more than ever,”

“No he doesn’t Sam,” he murmured, burying himself back under his blanket.

Sam groaned and tugged on the blanket, dropping it on the floor. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Believe it or not, this might be harder on Tony’s wife, his friends and his daughter. So the least you can do is suck it up and be there,”

Bucky sat up and for a moment Sam thought he might hit him. Instead he just looked down at his hands and very quietly said, “I don’t have a suit,”

The funeral passed by in a blur and Bucky surprised himself by managing not to cry. Steve stood near the front, leaving him with Sam and Wanda. When it was over, Steve went inside without a single word to any of them. 

“Why’s Steve basically ignoring you?” Sam asked, pulling Bucky aside.

He glared at Steve over his shoulder and shrugged. “I have no idea,” he lied.

In a few more days it was time for Steve to return the stones. Apparently he hadn’t told anybody else because both Sam and Bruce seemed surprised when he didn’t come back. And Bucky wasn’t really shocked when he gave the shield to Sam instead of him. 

When Sam finished talking to Steve he approached Bucky hesitantly and sighed. “He um... he wants to talk to you.”

Bucky nodded and squared his shoulders. He can handle talking to Steve. 

As soon as he got over there he realised that he probably couldn’t. His throat closed and tears welled in his eyes.

”How are you Buck?”

”I think you can guess,” he bit.

Steve glanced down. “I probably deserve that.”

”Yeah, yeah you do actually. I don’t get why you... I mean I don’t know why you wanted this,” Bucky choked out, gesturing to Steve.

”Because I love her. I love Peggy more than anything.”

He took a step back and nodded slowly. “More than me?”

”No Buck, I didn’t mean that—“

”You did, you obviously did. Otherwise you wouldn’t have said that and more importantly you wouldn’t have left me.”

”I didn’t leave you Buck, I’m right here.”

He shook his head. “No. Nope, no way, no. You’re not ‘right here’ because you’ve lived a whole other life, you’re one foot in the grave at this point, and you’re not gonna be here for much longer.”

”You’re being unreasonable now. Did you think I’d just live a loveless life?”

”Loveless? Jesus fucking Christ...” he muttered. “I love you Steve, what part of that are you not understanding? I just wasn’t enough for you.”

”Buck...”

Bucky shrugged and bit back tears. “Whatever. I hope your life was everything you wanted.”

He stormed back over to Sam who’d watched the interaction with wide eyes.

”Barnes are you okay?” 

He shook his head and before he could stop himself, tears were pouring down his face. Sam stared and put a hand on his back to gently steer him away from the scene.

”It’ll be okay,” he repeated quietly, “it’ll be okay.”

“So what you’re telling me,” Sam said slowly, “is that you knew Steve was leaving and you just kept that to yourself?”

Bucky nodded. “Pretty much and there’s um... well there’s another thing you should probably know.”

Sam raised his eyebrows and gestured for him to continue. He exhaled heavily and looked down at his hands.

”Me and Steve we were kind of, well not kind of, we basically were dating. Like since we were sixteen.” 

“Oh... oh wow,” Sam murmured.

”Yeah. And he left me for Peggy, who he barely knew.”

”That bastard,” Sam muttered.

Bucky laughed wetly and tucked his knees to his chest. They’d ended up going back to his bedroom which, now that Steve’s stuff was mostly gone, felt empty. It made him realise it was never his room in the first place. It was Steve’s. 

“Look I honestly can’t tell you how to deal with this but... I’m here for you Bucky.”

He grinned slightly. “You’ve never actually called me that before.”

”It felt appropriate. Don’t make me regret it,” Sam warned.

Bucky smiled and dragged his sleeve over his eyes. “Thanks. Can you um... can you go? I wanna be alone.”

Sam nodded and patted his shoulder gently before leaving the room. Once the door clicked shut behind him, Bucky curled up beneath the covers and did what he seemed to do best.

He cried.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this little oneshot! My instagram is inaccuratebucky and I’ll update about what’s going on with my writing on there <3


End file.
